“To understand your fear, is the beginning of really seeing.”
– Bruce Lee
“Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”
August 26, 2019
After a lengthy series of incredibly busy and thought-provoking days,
I’ve finally chosen to restart my ‘Blackburn Musings’.
This will essentially be sort of an online journal, except not exactly. What I mean by that is that, although I am sure I will cover personal topics and so on, I will definitely not write here as I would in my journal because that’s just too personal. That said, I do enjoy writing musings as I find them quite cathartic.
Moreover, the thoughts I share here will be just like the captions and stories I’ve shared on Instagram or Facebook in the past, except perhaps a bit longer given that there’s no cap on how much you can share like on IG, plus I can write a lot quicker on a keyboard than I can on the phone, which streamlines the writing process to an incredible degree.
With that out of the way I want to get to the backbone of this entry, which revolves around life, writing, and fears. I’ve chosen these topics because at the current moment it is what I have in mind, and given the integration and importance of these subjects in my life, I find it appropriate to begin an entry on them.
Jump right into the thick of it, the last year of my life has changed at a much faster pace, and to a much higher intensity than any other year. No other year comes close, not even when I was starting to get rolling with Poker and growing as a player at warp speed. Now, the main reason I believe the changes in my life the last year have taken place is because at one point I chose to face one of the biggest fears that I had, and thankfully I didn’t buckle like I often did in the past. Long story short, by facing that fear, I got the confidence to begin facing many other fears, and have continued attempting to jump right into the deep end to face my fears so to speak. I can’t say I succeed every time, because I do not, but I am definitely a lot more prone to just ‘go for it’ than I was in the past given everything I have learned about myself, life, fears, and so on.
Facing my fears enabled me not only begin living life to a more fulfilling degree than I did in the past, but allowed me to really come to terms with the fact that facing your fears from my subjective point of view, isn’t as bad as it seems most of the time. I do understand that not everyone fears the same things. ot every fear, even if it is shared between two people, like the fear of sharks, is of the same magnitude for different individuals.
For instance, months ago, I was talking to someone via D.M. on Instagram, and I really wanted to ask for help about facing one of my fears, but I was afraid of what that person, or anyone else would say about me being fearful about what I’m going to mention. Those that are familiar with Instagram will find it humorous, and yet I’m totally serious when I say that one of the fears that I had (and still have) was screwing up on posting stories. Silly, right? Well, it doesn’t matter if it’s silly or not, it is one of my fears. To this day, I have never posted one story, ever. I am actually surprised nobody asked. And the one time that I was going to ask someone for help, I totally backed away because I didn’t want to be judged or feel like an idiot, so I didn’t even try.
The reason I mention this is because as far as fears go, posting a story on social media wouldn’t register under top 100 fears for almost everybody on Earth, and yet, screwing that up is one of my fears. I have no problem admitting this, because I want others to learn from my mistakes so they don’t have to deal with the same issues that I have dealt with, even if the fears aren’t exactly the same. I do plan on trying to conquer that fear one day, but that will be in the future given that I’m having incredible issues using Instagram at the moment. Still, I mention it because it is paramount to what I am trying to impart.
The main reason I mention this is because there was several ways I could have addressed that fear. I could have (1) asked that person for help, I could have (2) jumped into the deep-end as I simply try it, as I often do, or I could have (3) researched how to do it. Logical, right? Simple. And yet, I never even thought of that until now. I simply let my fears dictate me not trying due to ‘fear of failure’, if you want to be exact about it. ‘Fear of ridicule’ is another fear that’s huge, so one could argue that it’s two fears instead of one, but they are both interwoven to the same action.
Of course, the options mentioned above that could have allowed me to face my fear are obvious, and yet, many of the things that are obvious in society aren’t often followed through with. Healthy eating is one example of this. This is mentioned because there are a variety of ways that fears can be addressed, and many times a person can ask for help, like I could have, and the fear would be conquered, or at least faced. Not ever fear is that easy to conquer though, and that’s okay.
I say all this because I didn’t even try, and that’s my failure, and I’m okay with that because recognizing it retrospectively allows me to be able to tackle it sometime in the future.
Coupling back to the main point, the reason I bring this about regarding fear is because where not posting a story was a fear I haven’t conquered, I did conquer some of my other fears in the last year, and these have allowed me to be here, this very moment, writing these very words. I find it incredible that my life has changed so much, that everything that is happening now in my life at this very moment is because I chose to face one of the biggest fears I ever had. I don’t think it’s coincidence that such is the case, and I also don’t believe it’s coincidence that my life keeps changing faster and faster the more fears I continue facing. Granted, this doesn’t mean I’m fearless by any means, I certainly am not. But I do try and face my fears more often than not than in the past, rather than let those fears rule my choices.
Be that as it may, there are a lot of other factors that have played a role in me being in the current place that I am in, also writing regularly, but everything that followed from that one key point took place because of that one choice I made, and I’m definitely glad I made that choice. By no means has everything that followed been easy, because it has not been, but I am appreciative of all the circumstances because I’m in a much better place now than I have ever been, though still have worlds of growing to do.
One of the best parts of facing that fear was not only most of what followed, but the fact that because I was able to conquer that one fear I was able eventually to begin facing another fear, which involved writing and eventually publishing poetry. The ironic part was that, I did not think I would ever publish poetry until many years down the line, perhaps 5-10 or so. But one thing lead to another and before you knew it I jumped right into it, where I wouldn’t have even considered doing such a thing in the past, and here we are.
I share this not only is because conquering fears is important in order not allow them to rule your life, but it’s also incredibly intriguing because by conquering fears, not only can one grow, but also there could be many positive and downright incredible things that could manifest from such choices that would never take place if those fears were not faced. Yes, this is a subjective point of view, but I’ve talked to quite a few people about facing fears often, and most have had similar circumstances take place to varying degrees.
The last year has been a whirlwind in my life, and even though I have made mistakes, heaven knows I’ve made many, I have learned to be proactive in learning from them, or try to at least, but I wouldn’t change where I am at for the world. Are there things I wish I did, or didn’t do, or said, or didn’t say, and so on? HELL YES!!! But, I am here, and I’m okay with where I am, for it is a much better place than I was a year ago. This makes me look forward to the future now more than ever.
The future is something that I historically always saw at arm’s length. I always mentally ‘saw’ tomorrow as ‘over there’, beyond reach. But for my purposes, that’s not a completely accurate point of view. I think a more accurate point of view is that, this moment, me writing this, and you reading this, is what we have. This moment is all we ever have. The present is definitely a gift not only because of the kaleidoscope of possibilities that exist within it, but because it paves the way for the future that we ultimately attain for ourselves. Yes, an eye to the future, and an eye to the past should always be ruminated upon, but you can’t really ‘go’ to the future, the future comes to you. You always live in the now.
I say this because the thoughts of living ‘in the moment’, that
are admittedly taken from Eastern Philosophy, which I find incredibly intriguing for many reasons, is one of the vanguard considerations
I keep in mind every single day. This
doesn’t mean I don’t look forward to the future, nor plan on it, or overlook
the past, not at all. It’s just that I
often found myself leaving for ‘tomorrow’ things that I could do this very
moment. Ever the eternal procrastinator,
I know, but at least I’ve grown from being a default procrastinator and into a
With all seriousness, I’m just grateful to be here now, this very moment, with everything that’s happened, and while I do wish some things didn’t and did happen, I can definitely say I’m seeking to try and better myself, even if I fail miserably at times. That brings me solace when I end up feeling like my life and circumstances seem to be spiraling out of control in certain instances.
I hope you all have a wonderful evening.
Believe it or not, there was a few set of synchronicities that took place that made me choose to write this blog. The last was that I ended up drawing Tarot Cards from multiple decks, and had I not done that, I wouldn’t even think of restarting the musings until much later. But for some reason, it felt instinctually right, like many other of the choices that I have made the last year, and I’m glad I’m doing these Musings again because they allow me to consider ideas that I hadn’t consider before, and also allows me to vent somewhat about issues that could be bothering me.
Interesting enough, though I have never posted about it in the past and only discuss it with my best friends, the next entry will discuss the card draws that I did, and what I believe they may mean. This is also one of the ways that I am choosing to fight one of my fears head on, which is also why I am doing it. Of course, Tarot Cards, Oracle Cards, and so on, are a topic that is way out there for most, and that’s okay. If that’s not your cup of tea, no big deal.
But this is a subject that’s become part of my life recently, and something that I have found incredibly helpful, so I will share it for those that may find interest in it, plus it’s something that I’ve wanted to talk about at length for a while, but never got around to for myriad reasons.
I just find life fascinating from so many different angles that not putting serious thought into those things that you considering most intriguing or love to do the most seems like selling yourself short. And since I will continue following my passions wherever they may lead me, why not share something else I am passionate about as well?
What are you passion about? What do you think about fears? Have you faced any recently? Do you think about it often? Are you afraid of posting stories on Social Media? Ha, I had to toss that out there because making people laugh is one of the things I enjoy to do the most, even if it’s at my expense. You all take care.
Noctis Blackburn is an author, bibliophile, writer, poet, dreamer, star gazer, autodidact, logician, researcher, lover of life, Carmel Macchiatto addict, and more.
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